we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
