Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I just gift wrapped bread.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
