I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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