I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
