I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
