I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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