remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
