I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
