I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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