Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
