I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
