i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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