I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Randomize
