Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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