absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
