I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
