I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
i just sent this text using only my big toe
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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