I will die if light touches me.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
