don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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