my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
