So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
