The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
not ubering you a puppy
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
