I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
