You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
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