I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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