We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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