I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize