Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
