I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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