May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
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I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
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He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
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