Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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