sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
