Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
