Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
