i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
