apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
