He uses pillows to masturbate.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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