Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
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Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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