just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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