So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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