I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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