Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
