And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
