I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
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drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
So squirting runs in the family.
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walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
The Olympian is in my bed
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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