You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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