so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
