fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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