I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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