it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
