So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
