Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
