You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Randomize
