How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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